♥ 我们的爱: November 2011

Lil damien is hospitalised when he is 6 days old.
Hus brought damien back for check up with the PD at TMC,
to check if he had murmur sound in his heart and jaundice.
The stupid bloody doctor said he didnt heard any murmur sound in damien's heart
but damien had high level of jaundice and told us to head to hospital for the uv ray.
I was so relieved that damien only had jaundice but no murmur sound.
Hence, hus brought damien down to KKH to treat his jaundice.
When i thought everything would be alright, hus told me that the doctors at kkh told him
that they heard murmur sound in lil damien's heart and they suspect that damien had
a hole in his heart. My heart sank to the bottom, i was so sad.
The PD at TMC told us that lil damien is alright and now normal doctors who are not PD
told us that lil damien may have a hole in his heart. WTF is the PD doing?
You are a children doctor yet you couldnt hear any murmur sound in his heart
and that he may have a hole in his heart! Fuck you bloody doctor! Screw you~!

The doctors who heard murmur sound in damien's heart informed the cardio doctor
and they came to take a look at damien. The cardio doctor told me he's quite sure that
lil damien had a hole in his heart after he heard the murmur sound.
But to confirm if the hole is big or small, he did a x-tray for lil damien.
If it's a small hole, it's alright to leave it and it will heal on it's own. But if it's a big hole,
then lil damien need to be operated. And so unluckily, damien's hole was a big one.
The hole is about 0.5mm hence considered big and the cardio doctor advised us to
let damien to be operated to close the hole in his heart. I cried i teared when i heard all those.
He's so small and have to undergo surgery, the pain in my heart is undescribable.
I rather i was the one who have hole in the heart, i rather i take all these for my son.
The days when damien was in hospital, i was so sad. I didnt go and see him for almost a week
cause i was still at the early stage of my confinement and my stiches still hurt alot.
I wanted to go and see my boy so much but i cant, my parents and hus dont allow me to go.
But i managed to persuade them to let me go after lil damien's operation, when he's in ICU.
I was so sad, i felt like my heart was ripped apart when i saw my boy after the operation.
He had tubes all over him and he looked so weak and small. I didnt take any photos of him
just after the operation cause i was really too sad. I felt like a part of me is being removed.
And i cant stop blaming myself that damien had a hole in his heart.
Till now, i still cant forget the day i saw him with tubes all over him.
My emotions changed when i was doing this post, i frown and felt so bitter and sad.
Damien stayed in the hospital for almost a month and spent his full month at the hospital.
This really break my heart! Why other babies can spend celebrate their full month happily
but not our damien! I can only blame myself for that.
Hus was so worried that i will get depression that he hide the reason that damien caught
an infection that affected him more and cause him to stay in hospital for a longer period.
I really broke down when i know that he caught the SRV virus after his operation.
I kept thinking why must my son go through all these at his young age!?
What have i done to deserve all these!? I never done any harm to anybody or curse anyone.
Why must my son suffer so much!? Why cant i suffer for him? I kept thinking..

But now, everything had past. Lil damien had recovered completely though he still need
to go for reviews at KKH every 3-6 months. He's growing strong and happy now.
And that's all that matters, as long as he's healthy everything is worth it.
I will love him double and give him double of my love, like everyone does.
My family and hus's family all doted lil damien like a gem a precious gem!